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Hi there! Belah here. Today, I have with me Dr. Corey Allen of simplemarriage.com to talk about a difficult issue that is happening in many marriages. Dr. Allen talks about the medical and mental obstacles that men may need to move past in order to have a healthy and enjoyable sex life. He gives practical ideas on how to boost intimacy with your husband of any drive. I also share a little inspirational Christmas & New Years message & update for you at the end.
You’ll Discover:
- How neither partner’s drive is wrong
- How a wife can feel more comfortable initiating with her husband
- How a husband may need to work through medical or mental barriers
- Whether or not a husband is going against scripture when he’s withholding from his wife
- How to grow in a true and real connection aside from sex with your spouse
- How to increase testosterone and drive
Books & Resources Mentioned:
- Delight Your Husband: The Christian wife’s manual to passion, confidence & oral sex by Belah Rose
- get 25% off from now til Christmas, use the code “christmas”
Tweetables:
- If you want your spouse to do something differently and they are not on board it’s like banging your head against the wall.
- When a man rejects it doesn’t mean he rejects his wife he’s just rejecting sex right now.
- I’m a full grown woman and what I want is okay.
- Most of the time it’s their own stuff that they’re not willing to confront and you’re just the collateral damage.
- How can you be an ally to your husband and invite him?
- I don’t want sex for a sex’s sake. I want something deeper.
- We don’t have to follow a script. We can make it up as we go along.
- Be present in your life and in your marriage in ways you haven’t been.
Thanks for listening! I hope you are encouraged to live in wholehearted intimacy!
Love,
Belah
—
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Transcript
0:02
Welcome to the delight your marriage podcast. This show where you hear from amazing and inspiring wives sharing their struggles, triumphs, and advice for this journey called marriage. Here’s your host, belah. Rose.
0:19
Hi there, and Merry, Merry Christmas to you. We are just days away from the big day. And I hope that you have spent time preparing your heart and remembering the real purpose of Christmas is to celebrate the birth of our Savior when God became a man for his deep, deep love for you and me. So God bless you today. Thank you so much for tuning in, we’ve got a great show for you. And even though the topic is about a particular topic, when a husband is not as interested as a wife, and we dive into that, I think the general theme of the whole conversation is really how to go deeper in intimacy with your spouse. And so and to the glory of God really, is what it is all about. So thank you so much for tuning me on today. I think this is going to be a great show. Let me go ahead and share with you a iTunes review. This one says nose a man’s heart. Bella has captured the heart of what a man desires from his wife. Bella is coaching wives that Penny, aka oral sex is awesome. She has boldness and character to deliver the message of a wonderful, have wonderful marriages and healthy wives. Her desire is to serve women, she has introduced me to new bloggers who get have rich content. I’m a married man, and I can’t wait for Tuesday to come. My wife has even started listening. So that’s awesome. Well, thank you so much for listening. And thank you so much for getting your wife on board and all of that. And I do want to share that my book. It’s called delight your husband is about this topic. It’s a Christian wife’s manual to passion, confidence and oral sex. So it is on sale right now until Christmas. So if you use the code Christmas, just go to my website, delight your marriage, click on the icon and use the code Christmas, you’ll get 25% off, I think it would be an awesome gift for your husband this year. And to just reinvigorate you and your love life, it really could be that piece that you need to encourage your husband this year. So I would encourage you to do that. And thank you again for the review. The other thing I want to mention is that I’m actually posting this a little later in the day. Today on Tuesday, I’m so sorry about that, if you were waiting for us this morning, usually I post early early in the morning. And in this time, it just got away from me. So I’m going to be better about it in the new year. So you can be listening early, early morning on your commute, or whatever you do to listen to dy M I just appreciate that. And I want to honor that you wait for us. And it’s just really exciting. But again, we’ve got a great show for you. I’ve got Dr. Corey Allen with me today. And he just dives into this topic of how to encourage your husband and how a wife can encourage her husband and how husband can be encouraged in his drive and together in their intimacy. So it’s a great episode and let’s go ahead and dive in
3:32
All right, welcome back. delight your marriage listener. I’m really thrilled that you’re here. Bear with me today as I’ve got half of a voice left i i, Cory and I Well, we’ve got Corey Allen, Dr. Corey Allen here with us today. I’m really excited to have him. And we were supposed to schedule yesterday and then my voice was completely gone. So today it’s it’s it’s halfway back. And I thought it was worthwhile to do it today because I really wanted to have him back on and talk about this important topic that we’re discussing. But, Cory, how are you doing today? And
4:04
I’m fantastic. And I think just for full disclosure, though. belah. We have to say that I did the same thing to you. The original time we had this scheduled was the day I woke up without a voice so Oh, is that right? I didn’t realize several months ago. So yeah, yeah. All right. Want to do that again? Yeah. Here we are. Glad we’ve connected again. So let’s roll. That’d be fun.
4:24
Yeah, very good. Well, today we are talking about the issue of what about when the husband is not interested in sex. So often we hear about the wife not being interested or not not having the same drive. But what about when it’s the husband? And I’ve had several women asked me about this and I just wanted to really get an expert’s opinion. So how do you start to kind of approach this, Cory?
4:49
Well, I think just to set the framework, we have to start the whole conversation with with the idea that sex is a language. And I think this is what we talked about the very first time I was on your show, or however long ago that was, I don’t even remember it. Yeah. So there’s two things that come to mind. One is sex is a language. And it’s interchangeable with how we do life, in my mind how we do sex. Yeah, we’ll do life, how we do life is how we do sex. And then the other thing is that in every single relationship, especially when it comes to sexual desire, somebody is gonna have more desire than the other, that I don’t believe in mat desires, I think, I think one person is always higher than the other on, on everything, but specifically in sex, that one person is going to be more interested in sex than the other person. And so I phrase it that way, just because the whole the whole goal is that it’ll take the idea of right and wrong out of it. And it will put it in a perspective of a continuum, that when you’re in comparison with somebody else, your desires either going to be higher or lower than theirs. And that’s just the reality of every single relationship with humans because of the uniqueness of us and the differences of us. And yeah, and so I think if we can take out the idea that there’s something actually wrong. Yeah, then maybe we disarm a little bit of this conversation. So that way, we can have a more calm, rational conversation, rather than a reactive one, which often anytime, you know, you know, full Well, anytime the whole subject of sex comes up, if there’s any kind of issue. It’s usually not real, rational and calm. It’s usually more reactive and defensive. Hmm, yeah, absolutely. How, how can a couple get past that? How did that reactive? Well, again, I think it’s just starting to recognize that what if there’s actually nothing wrong? That just because my desire is not the same as my partner’s? What if there doesn’t mean there’s something wrong? And what if that’s just what happens in relationships, and the example I use is, like, if you are the, if you’re the partner in your relationship that wants to have sex three times a week, and you’re married to somebody that wants to have sex once every other week, you know, you are the high desire partner, then, yeah, but if something happened, through chores, choice or tragedy in that relationship, and then you all sudden marry somebody else. And now you’ve married somebody that wants to have sex five times a week, you just became the low desire partner, and nothing changed in you. So it’s trying to recognize that just because there’s differences, it’s how do we want to approach those differences, we can either see them as opportunities to grow and expand and stretch myself, or Yeah, I can see it as opportunities to dig my heels in, and try to get you to do it the way I want to, rather than the way they want to. And in that kind of marriage in a nutshell. If you think about it. So it’s, it’s if you can take a little bit of the right and wrong out of it. Or, you know, the low desire partner needs to be fixed, there’s must be something wrong. And you can just start to see it as preference or comfort or enjoyment, you know, because there’s some times, you know, some of the couples I’ve worked with, where this is an issue that comes up a lot in therapy is, you know, a lot of times the person that has the lower desire, they, they have a better picture that that the sex they’re having isn’t really worth wanting, and because they’re not getting much out of it.
8:26
And so that’s the low desire, or
8:29
that’s typically the low desire partner. I mean, the stereotypical example I use is if the wife is a low desire partner, or oftentimes it becomes that way, because she servicing her husband is kind of the easiest way to describe it. So what she she actually has good judgment, because he’s just all about his needs, not hers. And so why would she want to have more of that? You know, if it’s all about him, she’s not getting any real pleasure out of it, then she has usually better picture on that sex is not worth wanting. So if you can kind of view it a little different as a language, maybe we change the dynamic, which leads us to your you know, the topic today of what happens when it’s the husband, that’s the low desire. Because this does happen. It is more prominent than a lot of people think or say, Yeah, my just impromptu research from the amount of couples I have in my office, I would say probably 40% would be would be the husband is a low desire.
9:31
Yeah. And so I’ve seen I’ve seen stats closer to 25%. But that
9:35
might, yeah, and this might, I mean, this is all just informal research. You know, this is just based on the topics I know that come up from the PPO and I just do I just have research brain and so yeah,
9:47
well, and it, it might also be that the wives are bringing their husbands into are more proactive about bringing them into see what what they can fix how they can fix this kind of as what you’re saying.
9:57
Well, sure. And but I just think that it’s It’s more prominent than a lot of people think. And yeah, I wanted to try to make sure that’s very clear to an audience to realize, especially for wives. Because to realize you’re not alone, your husband is not an anomaly. You know, you’re not the only man on the planet that isn’t interested in sex as much as you that. So it’s good one just to try to normalize that. And then also to recognize sometimes those desire differences shift to where at one point in your marriage, you might have been the low desire as the wife and then now as it’s gone along, and you hit your 40s, or mean, the typical stances, when a woman hits her 40s, her desire sometimes gets a little bit of a spike. And largely, it’s because she’s more comfortable in her own skin. And she feels a little sexier, because she’s just kind of more comfortable with who she is. And so she’s willing to let go a little bit and be a little fun and adventurous that maybe she hadn’t prior. And so it’s just really about people recognize, you know, hey, there’s a big group of people out there that the wife has the high desire. And yeah, and that’s just part of it. And I still just want to help make people help make sure couples recognize neither end of the spectrum is right or wrong. They’re just different.
11:18
And now what about when the wife is really discontent with this with the way things are in this? Like? How, how can she kind of move things into a way that makes her feel more desired. And I mean, rejection is really hard to take and to take it consistently from your husband is pretty high it
11:36
is. And I think there’s a difference between male female here, that is a rejection for a woman is different than rejection for a man a lot of times, okay, and the visualization, the visualization I use for this, or at least the, the symbol, I guess you could do is just look at the biology of us. You know, if in my case, if I make a move towards my wife, and she rejects me, she’s rejecting an appendage of mine. If she makes a move towards me, and I reject that I’m, I’m rejecting an internal organ of hers. So interesting. So it’s kind of it’s a little more personal. Yeah. So yeah, it’s, I think, men, we typically have this whole, maybe it’s the way we were raised with sports and achievement and stuff that we realized we’re going to strike out in, but you just but you go back up to the plate, and you bat again. So it’s, it’s easier to brush off. But I think for a woman, it’s more risk, a lot of times, and so it’s harder for her to initiate because of the rejection, especially when she’s the high desire and he has checked out or is not interested. And so that makes a difference.
12:44
Yeah, I think it really does. And I think also, it has to do with beauty as well. Because when a wife is initiating, she’s saying, Here I am, do you think I’m beautiful? Do you find me attractive? Do you care about who I am and rejection is, makes her feel like she’s her beauty isn’t enough for him to feel
13:02
interest, I would say the same thing to wives that I say to men, to husbands that if you make a move, that’s a that’s an overture towards, towards sex, and it’s rejected, as best you can recognize, it’s not necessarily you that’s being rejected, it’s sex. That’s being rejected. And it’s trying to recognize the difference there. Because it’s really easy to think that when I get rejected, then it’s it’s I extrapolate that to all of me, rather than right. You know, may mean, the joke I always use is, you know, if my wife rejects an overture of mine, you know, it could be because having sex in the aisle at Target is not a good idea. And so that’s, that’s why she said no. And that’s actually good judgment, then, you know, but it’s not me. She’s not saying I don’t ever want to be around you. She just saying Not right now. And so it’s really start trying to figure out how can we disarm the conversation? So it’s so it’s less emotionally laden with things. And it’s more just realistic about, okay, this is a process, this is a language. And if I can start to decipher some of that on how what it means to me, and what I’m trying to get across. Maybe I disarmed both of us in the process.
14:17
Mm hmm. Yeah, I really like that you said not to extrapolate that out to all of who you are. It’s rejecting sex,
14:25
right? You’re something that leaves that bell that goes right into the whole idea of well, what do you do when you’re always rejected for sex, though, because that first off, you got to take the word always out, okay, because at some point, you probably weren’t rejected. So, so the always Nevers, those are just igniter statements that just inflame things even more, and if you take them at face value, they’re usually lies, because there has been one instance where he didn’t, you know, his guard was down in sex, or, or suffering, or he pursued you or so it’s It’s trying to be more accurate and more real of. Okay, so a majority of the time when I make an overture it’s rejected. So some of it comes down to how do you invite rather than pursue? And this is just off the top of my head. I hadn’t thought we’d get on this premise this process. But so, yeah, some of this might be a little jumbled. But I think we want to inspire it. And I’m thinking from a woman’s perspective, and so this is a little bit of a outsider’s perspective, because I’m not one. But I just think of I had a client a long time ago, that he was very, very sexually playful with her throughout the day. And it would get her going, she would, she would get turned on and get pretty excited. And then whenever the time came at the evenings, where they could actually get together, he wouldn’t follow through. And it would just use really making her mad, which, yeah, understandable. Because I know, for lots of women, you know, that’s the whole analogy. Women are more like crockpots, they write the slow boil to, to kind of really get going, whereas men are microwaves most of the time. Yeah. So she would, you know, he would do a lot of this pursuit, and then he would just cut it off. And so she was really mad about it, because she, I was trying, I was working with him both at the same time. And anytime I’m doing sex therapy, I always do either just men, or the couple. I don’t do sex therapy with women, just because that’s too risky. For me, right, as a male therapist, so Right, right. Yeah, it’s good boundaries. So she, I was trying to build her confidence, or at least uncover her confidence in her in the sexual arena. Because she you could tell it was there. And yeah, and so she was like, I think I’m really good at what I can do and who I am. And so I just encouraged her. I said, Okay, so what would happen if, you know, he next time he does this, and he, you feel like he’s not going to follow through, you just walk right past him and brushed past him and look him in the eye and say, Hey, we’re heading to the bedroom, if you don’t want to join me, I’ll start without you. And just go enjoy the pleasure that you can have. And that’s kind of sometimes a hot button for people on masturbation and what is that right or wrong? And I don’t really want to go there on this show. But it’s really kind of I think that’s an empowering statement of basically saying to your spouse, it’s much more enjoyable when you’re a part of this, but I don’t have to have you as part of Hmm, that’s interesting, I think in that kind of an inviting statement, as I mean, tell me, tell me what you think is a woman Bella, because you’ve been Wow.
17:45
I would say that seems very empowering, that you’re not, you’re not just at the whim of your spouse, you’re going to say, right, I’m gonna have a great time regardless.
17:54
And that’s the difference, I think, between the, the male female is, yeah, for a husband to join you in sex, you know, he has to be able to have an erection if you’re gonna have penile vaginal intercourse, you can do a whole lot of other things. Obviously, whether there’s erection or not. Yeah, but for a wife, it’s, it’s a little easier for a wife to just do obligate obligatory step sex and it because she doesn’t mean obviously, arousal helps, yes, not necessary. So there’s a little bit of a difference for men. I think that if you’ve got, you know, any kind of performance, anxiety, any kind of Ed issues or even premature ejaculation issues that sometimes us as men, we don’t want to face the things that really bedevil us. Yeah. So it’s easier just to stay away from it, even when there’s pain as the fallout from it. Yeah. And so it’s kind of recognizing that sometimes when a husband is the low desire, there’s other factors involved. Yeah, they create that it’s not a relational thing, maybe as much as it is an individual thing.
19:01
Yeah. Now, now, what kind of wife do let’s say there are some of those factors involved? Can we kind of go point by point with some of these things that, that she can help with? Sure.
19:11
Um, well, and again, this is kind of at the foundation that the husband wants to address this as well. Yes, you know, full well, if you want your spouse to do something different, and they’re not on board, it’s banging your head against the wall. So I mean, to a degree, it doesn’t Yeah, I still don’t believe we shy away from that. I think we still speak our mind and our truth and our desire, but we can’t, you know, require it from them. Yeah. Because that’s, you know, that’s just like if you have a child as an infant, you know, that’s the one thing I loved. When I this is a quick side note, just to make the point, that when I took my daughter who’s 10 now but wounds she was a newborn, and we she wouldn’t eat certain things. And at one of our pediatric checkups, our doc who’s a friend of ours, I was just he’s like, so how is she I was going through it all. And I said, Well, she won’t eat such and such as such as such. And I remember what it was. And he said, Well, that’s the one thing children can really do is they can control what goes in their body and what comes out of their body. That’s really all they got. And yeah, like, that’s, that’s a good way to think of it. Because I think that’s the way we are as people too, that, that, you know, my wife may want things of me, but she doesn’t have control over that. So I have to figure out how do I still be true to what I want and who I am? And who we can be without forcing it? Because do you really want somebody to have sex with you by being forced to? That’s usually not a real romantic, fun engaging time, because they don’t even want to be there. So yeah, so it’s how do I flip that to a little bit more of an empowered stance, to invite and, and so you know, what I think of if, if a husband is on board, and at least recognizes you know, what your right, our sex life isn’t what it could be, then I think a wife can be really beneficial and supportive in helping him you know, what I what I, what I’ve taught my head, for a husband, one of the first things to do is rule out medical things. Right? Because there can be medical issues with testosterone. That’s low. That’s right, blood flow, circulatory issues with the different heart diseases we’ve got in you know, yeah, yep, cholesterol, and all that kind of stuff that can really slow down blood flow will affect erections and right, and there’s most men, because we are raised knowing the importance of our penis, just because, you know, think of every little boy, he always checks to make sure it’s still there. And still do it, too. It’s just much more subtle. Because it’s still there, you know, it’s making sure. And so if something’s not working, that’s a big identity thing. And so it’s a bigger issue to admit, you know, what I’m having issues. Right, that’s a hard thing for a lot of men to to address. And so it really is courageous. To do so. And so a wife and her support of that. Yeah, can be really been really helpful. Yeah, and then the other stuff to think of it just kind of ruling out is just what are some of the environmental factors that could be playing out? Yeah, you know, you got stress, work, relationships, stress kids, you know, all of those kinds of things. Anxiety can is one of the biggest erection killers I’ve ever come across as anxiety. Yeah, so most of the stuff where people come in and think they have Ed issues, and it’s physical. I think usually we’ll find out it’s probably maybe a little physical. But it’s, it’s more anxiety and stress.
22:45
Yeah, that’s interesting. Yeah. And just so everyone knows it’s erectile dysfunction. Yes, Ed, just in case.
22:50
And that’s, yeah, trouble trouble having the soldier stand up and salute is the medical terminology. They owe the medical terminology.
22:58
Right. Yeah. But I like that. You mentioned the heart disease and some heart issues, because that absolutely does. It can be an early indicator of we had a doctor on many, many episodes ago. I think it’s episode 21. In case anyone is interested, but but the the heart disease, it could be alerted of years in advance if if we just paid attention to erectile dysfunction. And
23:26
I think obesity plays into it too. weight issues can play out. Yes, in the bedroom, and performance issues. So and then you add to a component that this just popped in my head that as a man ages, it can change, it can be harder, because the erections not as firm and as it doesn’t stand as tall, and that’s an identity thing of Yeah, I can’t I can’t last as long as I used to, or it takes longer or, and so all of those things can be hits. You know, women I think face that all their life of identity of I don’t look right, I don’t feel right, all of that. Whereas men, it’s a little easier. We’re a little more impervious to that, but we’re not completely impervious to it, especially when it comes to the bedroom. Hmm yeah. And then the other thing that comes to my mind just to add the last little couple points is yep, I think you’re doing you can also be looking at Trauma things if you got some major baggage from growing up any kind of abuse any kind of things like that, that happen as children as teenagers there can be guilt and shame associated with it if there’s some religious upbringing that yeah, it is played out in really negative ways which unfortunately a lot of times religion seems to do that. It’s not tackled this subject Well, Rails right which is why I have sexy marriage radio is to try to help make it hey, let’s let’s talk about what’s what’s good. And yeah, this is really designed to be a great thing in marriage. Right? And then if you have porn, you add porn usage to it, that can play out in the bedroom for men Oh, really rapidly. So, I mean, there’s lots of different factors. And so some of it is just trying to unpack it. And for a wife, this can be really, really dangerous or not dangerous, hurting, you know, because it, it’s easy to take. Let’s take, for example, maybe a husband having issues in the bedroom with Edie. And it’s, it’s actually a porn induced erectile dysfunction disorder. That’s not an actual DSM disorder, but it probably will be before long, just because it’s very prominent. Yeah. And what that is, is this, the this the brain has wired, has been rewired differently because of rampant porn usage. And so a wife discovering that there’s a lot of hurt that comes with it. And so that’s right, this can be a very volatile area to write in. And so I would just say straight out, a husband’s porn usage has nothing to do with a wife. Hmm, most of the time, there are exceptions to that. But a majority of the time, it has nothing to do. It’s something he’s had as part of his life. I went into marriage thinking my marriage would solve my porn usage. And that didn’t do it. So right. It’s one of those I still I had that long before I met my wife. And yeah, it happened for a while while I was with my wife. And so it’s recognizing, okay, this isn’t about her. This is my demon, I’ve got to confront and, and really address and right. And so the more I can do that, and also recognize my wife doesn’t take it personally. Even though it hurts in even though there’s the comparison, and how can that not be an identity hit and feel betrayed? And I get all of that, but it’s, it’s the more you can recognize. This is this is our thing. It’s not a personal, you know, direct thing.
26:59
Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that I Yeah, we talk a lot about porn on the show, because it’s so it’s so huge. It’s just everywhere, and, and it’s probably affected your husband at some point. And, yeah,
27:15
and so let’s be fair, because it’s affecting women too. So yeah, that sometimes a woman or a wife can be the high desire because of unrealistic expectations based on erotic fiction, or porn. So it’s not setting up what reality is. And, and so what what she’s actually seeking as the high desire isn’t coming out of fullness, it’s actually coming out of emptiness, that she wants that sexual gratis fat, you know, gratification, or satisfaction, or just orgasmic release, because that’s how she has an identity, even though that could be an emptiness thing that I want it filled up to help me feel better about me. Rather than I feel pretty good about me, and I want to share this with, you know, little difference on what drives us. And I think that comes from both sides for both genders face, you know, are we seeking sex out of fullness or sex out of emptiness?
28:11
And I remember you talked about that last time a little bit, too. When you say that, I mean, what practically, how practically, can a wife kind of come to the bedroom with fullness? Instead of emptiness?
28:22
Well, I think it’s very some of it comes down to what you’ve alluded to before, of it’s like a beauty that’s being unveiled. And it’s an essence of her that it’s, you know, my, her unveiling is not contingent on his reaction. It’s almost a, I know, I’m beautiful. I know, I’m good. I know, I’m loving. I know. And so it’s kind of that confidence thing. Ya know, it’s that it’s that willingness to be open. It’s that willingness to be vulnerable. It’s that willingness to even be exposed, you know, to be playful, to be erotic, to, to do some of those things that may make you feel kind of slutty, sorry, but, but to know, I’m not one, you know, I’m right. I’m a full grown woman and what I want is okay, you know, and yeah, and that’s kind of a huge growth thing for a lot of us in it, especially in this area of sex. Absolutely. There’s a carnality to it, that we feel kind of dirty about. Right, or society definitely makes it feel kind of dirty. But, you know, hey, when when it’s you and it’s your essence sharing it with your with your spouse. I think that’s kind of the whole the whole intention of it.
29:43
Yeah. Yeah, that’s good. Yeah. I love that. No, I want to ask you about in the Bible, you know how it talks about a husband not denying his wife and a wife not denying her husband. What about that and in this context, when a wife is is really desiring it more than he is? I mean, isn’t it kind of not biblical for him not to be, you know, going with her before it?
30:10
Well, and this is a dicey such? Well, I don’t. Because I mean, Scripture says, to not deny each other except for specific times for devoting to prayer. Right? I mean, that’s kind of the context of it. And so does that. What it doesn’t say is, are we supposed to have sex once a week? Once a month? Once a year? I mean, so, right? It’s, that’s where it kind of can get off the rails? And if if that Scripture is being used to require, typically, I don’t think that’s the intent of the Scripture. It’s, it’s more Wait, how can I live my life in such a manner that is inviting to my party that is inviting to the spirit of my marriage and who I want to be? And because we live in a fallen world, and there’s lots of things that have been done to damage that even more with because of our frailty and stupidity. And so if there’s something that I mean, I think that scripture comes into play whenever it’s, it’s used in a manner that, hey, I’m completely withholding this and it’s intentional. Hmm, then, okay, hold on. What’s that really about? Because then it’s a power thing. It’s not a love based thing? Yeah. But I don’t know if this is odd as this may sound, I’m trying to think just real quick through the Rolodex of clients I’ve had of a husband, that’s been a low desire that’s intentionally withheld it as a power. And I don’t Yeah, I know, it happens. Because there’s a cruelty to us, as humans that we can do, we can do that to our partner. Yep. But a majority of the time, it’s their own stuff that they’re not willing to confront, and you just sort of collateral damage is the wife. Hmm. And so it’s almost, you know, how do you be an ally to them? to reframe what’s going on and invite maybe a little differently? Hmm. So I mean,
32:24
yeah. I like that. So how can you be an ally to them? Yeah. And invite them? Yeah.
32:29
I mean, that’s, that’s kind of our whole goal is married people anyway, I think is, is to create good alliances with our partner made partnerships, another way to think of it. But I love that I love the vernacular of alliances, because that means both there’s a requirement from both sides. And if one person drops their alliance, it’s not a personal attack of mine Alliance. It’s just I need to react in a in a manner that waits to see what they do, do they pick it back up? Do I need to adjust? You know, this is how it plays. I mean, I think this unfolds in marriage and sex a lot in marriage, because you know, each other pretty well. So you kind of know what’s going on where they are, you know, if they’re really into it, or if it’s different, you know, you kind of pick that stuff up, when you’ve had a lot of experience with the same person, which I think is beautiful to look at it as language. But if, if you start to look at it as Okay, so if something’s unfolding during sex, and, and your spouse drops their alliance, meaning they get lost in their own head, or they lose it, you know, like, maybe maybe it was all based on the biology of man, I’m feeling really aroused, and into this, and then all sudden, something came in, and now it’s gone. You know, like, I lost my erection or a woman, a woman just lost her mental engagement. Because a child coughed, or, you know, something, all these different things less than that has to happen. It’s true. But I mean, a lots of different things can derail us? Yeah, absolutely. And if you think about it, a lot of times what happens is, the partner who did not lose their connection takes the other their spouses disconnect, and as personal, like what happened in you never want it. And that’s where we start to get way out of line, in a sense. So what if I were to actually take that better and say, you know, hey, what’s going on? Where are you? And it’s and I and we re establish an alliance again. Hmm. And then we pick it back up wherever we can, you know, because it’s not like we necessarily have to start where we were maybe, maybe, I mean, I’ve actually said this to my wife have sex has been unfolding, and then something happened. And she disconnected. And I’m like, okay, because the old Cory would have just powered on through to finish. And that’s kind of manipulative and cold. If I when I think about it, because now I don’t want just sex for sex, sex. I want the times with her. You know, I want I want sex to be connections between it’s not just a physical thing. I want a deeper thing with her and so on. To get there, you know, I’ve actually said, where are you? You know what’s going on? And she and then she would come at me with Well, here’s what happened. Sorry. I’m like, Okay, do we need to back up? What do you what? What can I do how I’m here? What do you need? And I don’t know, it’s like, okay, well, who kind of feel our way through it, I’ll take the lead again and kind of feel my way through it. And if that’s not working, sometimes that means it’s not going to work. And okay. I need to be less attached to an outcome. And more and more in line with what am I really seeking? You know, what am I really wanting underneath the soul? And see, see if I can find that a different way, because maybe a wife is seeking sex as a way to really feel emotionally connected to her husband. Right? Because that’s what she’s been conditioned to think that that’s the way you connect to a man’s emotions through his penis, well, maybe not. So. So what if what if there’s another way to satisfy that emotional connection by just looking you in the eye? When you when you’re talking? Or when you’re having dinner, or dance, or snuggle? Or do other things where you take take sex off the table for a little bit? And maybe you find it? Yeah. And maybe that brings about an arousal to him? I don’t mean, I don’t I don’t know. It’s just it’s just trying to recognize that we don’t have to follow a script. Yeah, that we can basically make up the script as we go along. If we can learn to hold on to ourselves better.
36:25
Yeah. Yeah, that’s good. Mm hmm. Yeah, I like that. I especially like the thought of not feeling like you have to power through if something real happened. Like, what what happened? Let’s figure that out. Let’s, let’s have an intimate exchange here. Not just, you know, orgasmic release on both sides or whatever. Or on one side or
36:50
right, but, right.
36:53
Yeah, I really like that.
36:56
I mean, I’m sorry to step on you there for a second. Because that moves it beyond just functional sex. Hmm. Because functional sex to me, is you one or both of you know, the steps to take to reach orgasmic levels of release. I mean, that’s, that’s what it is that you, you stroke long enough, you’re gonna have an ejaculation you rub long enough, you’re gonna have an orgasm. So done that, right. Just biological, then it’s just plain pleasure on a human level. But if lots of couples just reached that point in their marriage, and they don’t know, there’s actually more to it. And I believe there’s a whole lot more to it. Yeah, yeah. Now all said, we can get into, you know, mind to mind connection, soul to soul connection during sex, and sometimes it’s during sex, sometimes it’s just during life. Yeah, I think that’s what we all really want to taste in married life. We just don’t know it, because we’re not quite sure how to find it.
37:55
Yeah, yeah. And I know, we could do a whole nother podcast on that. But in terms of a first step, what, what would be the first step?
38:04
Specifically during sex? Is that what you mean? Or? Well, I
38:07
mean, um, well, my answer to the question I was trying to ask was, I would assume you’d say something like, honesty or something like, Okay, sure. being truly honest with what’s going on in sex or Yeah, or what, what would you
38:20
say I would say, be present in your life and in your marriage in ways you haven’t, that’s good. Whether you’re in sex, or you’re not, that when you come home from work, you actually engage your partner, you know, you put the phone down, you close the laptop, and you connect, even if it’s just for a minute or two, because this isn’t, you know, nobody can sustain 100% presence with the people they’re with indefinitely. We need moments to break. And and you know, so we need to move to sequential kind of presence rather than multi presence, I guess. Yeah, I think. So. I just think it’s just being more present, is how you start. Honestly, it would be a next layer or a step along with that. Specifically, during sex, I would say open your eyes. Because a lot of times we close our eyes to focus on sensations. Mm hmm. But most of those times when we’ve done that we’ve actually disconnected from our partner because we’re just focusing on our sensations. Mm hmm. And what they’re providing or what they’re doing. It’s yeah, I would say open your eyes and not open your eyes for the visual, because this is a men thing. That lots of times, yeah, lots of husbands are like, my eyes are always I like how she looks you know, and I get that, but I’m saying Open your eyes and actually connect it to eye and look each other in the eye during sex. Yeah, and that sometimes will make it really different. In a good well, sometimes in a bad way, but eventually it becomes a very, very good way, because all sudden now you’re seeing each other behind the eyeballs. And you’re inviting each other in. And that’s what allows you to get to situations where if something changes, you know, all sudden there’s been a shift. I had a client I was working with, they were learning this process. And they loved it because in the middle of sex, he lost his erection. And it’s something that had it had happened early in their relationship. But he had figured out through fantasy and some other things, how to keep in. And which is a disconnection, if you think about it, right. So he was really working to be more present. And so what he did is once it happened, she sensed it, obviously, because it was in the middle of intercourse. But she wasn’t completely, you know, it wasn’t just an obvious it was just a slowly losing habit. And He then started panicking, but he had his eyes open. And she saw that she didn’t feel it different. She just saw it in his face. And so what she did is they were just explaining this to me, and I just big ol smile on my face. Because I love hearing clients and seeing them really come through when it’s the best in them. Yeah, and she just said, what I did is I just stopped for a second, and I leaned down and gave him a really good kiss. And then I use my skill to bring him back to an erection again, and it’s like, well done. Yeah, no, because he and he actually had to allow that to happen rather than what he wanted to do. And what most men do is run from it. of, you know, I don’t know, if that’s too risky, but rather than hold on, what if her femininity could draw that back out of him? And that’s the power I think the feminine has?
41:43
Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I think it takes a confident woman to do that, you know,
41:49
as a confident man. Yeah, if you think about it, because yeah, this isn’t about confidence in the sense that he has an erection or not. This is about confidence and knowing who he is and who he’s not. Yeah, so if he’s an older gentleman, which this guy was, I mean, older 50s Cuz I’m fast approaching. But it’s just the whole he it was he was his body was changing, and he was confidently addressing that, rather than thinking I had to be in my 20s where I get instant erections and you know, no, I’m not that he all he knew. He was so much more.
42:25
Yeah. Yeah, I love that. Yep, that’s so true. That’s so true. And as a as a united couple they can they can work through those things together, which
42:35
is and that’s the whole idea of being allies. And that’s the idea of where a wife can be fantastic for a husband is what comes to my mind is that movie Cinderella Man. Haven’t seen okay with with Russell Crowe is the boxer where he’s okay. Jim Braddock. And, you know, based on a true story, but so he’s fighting his the for the Heavyweight Championship, and it’s against the guy that’s that’s killed people in the ring. She did know this, because this is before 24 hour news channels and everything. So when she finds this out, obviously, she’s scared. She’s not supporting him for this fight. And he’s like, I’ve got to do this, because this is how this is how I’m providing for my family. So he’s in his own world, she’s in her own world. And then right before the fight, she shows up, and, and tells him, you know, hey, I’m in your corner, I’m here, you know, you’re, you’re the champion of my heart, and that kind of stuff. And I think to a husband, that’s what they desperately want from their wife, is to know not to be a cheerleader, but to be a support. Yeah, cheerleading is a part of that, maybe, but it’s more, this is a deep depth, I’m here with you. Yeah, and absolutely, that’s the role of wife can play when a husband is really faced in some of these things that are that are painful or scary or identity hitting. And yeah, so a wife that can be, you know, present and supportive. And, and loving and fighting. You know, that that goes a long way.
44:05
Yeah, yeah. And, and, and it could go a long way in in the various issues that maybe maybe he’s facing some of the things that we talked about, or I think my last question for you, Cory, is about what it for. There are husbands that listen to this as well, but for husbands, and maybe some wives are going to have their husbands listen to this episode, just just to get the conversation started and talk about these things, because that would be really wise. Um, but, but for husbands, what are some proactive things they can do to up their drive if they wanted to?
44:40
Well, one of the things is you got to rule out medical, because a lot of times just because of what we eat, and yep. And the lifestyle we’re living. And the what we’ve done to our bodies has done wreaked havoc on our testosterone. Yeah. And so if your testosterone is not at all exists And there’s ways you can find to boost that that’s not medical, even if diet changes, it’s, it’s working out, I mean, cuz I’m, I’m a big believer that the body will heal itself, it will feed it right and treat it right. Yep. And so a lot of times I’ve got to just be an educator of my own self, you know, in a student of my own body and learn better. The testosterone patches and pills and those kinds of things, those could work their side effects to them. And I know I’ve, you know, I’ve got clients that use them that because their other lifestyle choices have just made their testosterone non existent. And that’s what they, they want to go that route. It’s like, I’m fine with that. Do it under medical supervision. Don’t just do it off of an infomercial. Right? Yeah. But so it’s being willing to address what what the medical things is go get a physical which I’m speaking to myself here. It’s been three years, I think since I last one. Yeah, it’s just one of those, you know, take care of your body. So what the other thing a husband can do that does that I think reaps tremendous benefit is just start exercising. That’s right. You know, be active lift weights. Yeah, right thing, do something competitive is a great thing. Because that, you know, I masculinity, but bestows masculinity, and iron sharpens iron. And so if I can do things with other people, which I, I play basketball with the same group of people, basically three or four times a week at lunch, and just being with them, and the competitive trash talk, and all of that boosts me because it’s part of just guys being guys. And yeah, there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with really being competitive and being mad when you lose. And, I mean, that’s life kind of stuff. And so the more I mean, I just think of the three things I tell men, when it comes to just creating a great cake of life is to do what let’s see, it’s have good, same gendered friends. So find some guys and just be have a couple of them that are good friends that you can, that you can do things with. Have regular strenuous exercise, and that’s to, you know, three or four times a week for at least 20 to 30 minutes, where you really sweat and work and, and then whatever you do, do it passionately. Yeah, so if you’re working on something at the house, do it passionately, whatever that means, you know, I’ve made it I’ve, I love to have fun with what I do. That’s my passion. And so unload the dishwasher, for me is a fun thing. Because I make it fun with my kids, you know, we race to see, you know, how can we get everything unloaded. If we all work together in less than a minute and a half, you know, go and we all are, you know frantically going around the kitchen, but we’re laughing and having fun. And luckily, nothing’s broken yet. So it’s, but it’s just it’s just recognizing those three things, I think are just great tips to help men be better men. Yeah, that’s gonna spill over into our sex life.
48:06
Yeah, absolutely. 100%. And working out is also a great effort. EasyAcc you might want to make love. Right, right. When you walk in the door after Absolutely,
48:14
absolutely. Or yeah, you’ll you’ll need help in the shower. So
48:18
yeah, there you go. There you go. Perfect. Well, Cory, this has been awesome. I think there’s been so many tips that wives can can implement in their in their own lives and, and also husbands. So thank you so much.
48:32
You are so much fun to talk to girl. I have to just share it to your audience. They have a great benefit because because you are a great conversationalist on good things. And I like it.
48:45
I appreciate that so much. And even with my my little voice, squeaked it out.
48:52
And even notice, didn’t even notice.
48:55
Awesome. Wow, fantastic. Cory, thank you so much for your insights. And it was such fun to chat with you. Cory has a website, simple marriage calm that I’d love for you to check out you can click on sexy marriage radio, and you can listen to their podcasts there. And they’ve got a lot of great insights and a lot of fun on their podcast. So so check them out there. Otherwise, I’d love for you to just spend some time in the next week. Or let me also say that next week, I’m not going to have a show released. We’re gonna take the week off and spend time reflecting and enjoying and vacationing a little bit. So I love to start the new year really being intentional thinking about what God has done in this last year. What he’s going to do in the new year and one of my dreams and hopes are and and what he’s taught me and what he’s teaching me and what I believe is coming and I just love to do that especially time to unite with my husband and really reflect and think about The good things that God is bringing into our lives and where He’s taking us. So I just encourage you to do that with your husband and your wife, this next week and a half, that’s my homework for you is to really reflect on what God’s done and, and and dream a little bit about what he’s going to do. I know for us this past year has been one of the hardest years of my entire life. And, you know, through hard and through heartache and pain. God teaches us things, you know, it says that He disciplines and He chastens, those he loves. It says that the gold has to be purified in the fire. So I know that God is doing really important work in my heart through these challenges. And I think I’m going to share more about those challenges in the new year, I’ve really not shared much of them with you. But you know, as God chose me to reveal that information, I will but I do believe if you’re in the midst of struggle, or you’re in the midst of trial or difficulty, God has a plan for you. He has a plan for your life. He’s not done with you. And so these difficulties, these heartaches these hardships are producing in you character. And it believe in James talks about the point of trials is to eventually produce perseverance. And so count yourself blessed that God counts you as one that can handle these trials and difficulties because he’s birthing in you something that cannot be taken away. Perseverance. So I believe that’s what something is God, God’s teaching me and, and it’s hard, and it doesn’t feel good. And yeah, it’s difficult. But you know, in all things, we really can rejoice just like Paul in the midst of his chains in the midst of prison. He says, Rejoice in the Lord, always again, I say rejoice. Because somehow God is working all things together for good, as he talks about in Romans, so I just encourage you to wrap up this year with hope, because we serve a God of hope. He is the God of hope. So have hope this year, have hope, in in what God’s doing and what he’s done in your heart and in your life. This year, this Christmas, this new year, bring it into the new year for inspiration and hope this year. Thank you so much for making dy m a part of your life. Thank you so much for including us in your routines or your day to day life, in your conversations with your friends. In your time when you wrote a review for us. You are such a blessing. And I believe God is really touching marriages through this through this ministry. So To God be the glory. And thank you so much for how you’ve partnered with us this last year. I’m praying for you, I honor you. God bless you. May He continue to bless you and bless this new year for you. And we’ll be talking to you in January. I’m excited. First week tune in to us on Tuesday. God bless you and enjoy.
53:21
Thanks for listening. Stop by delight your marriage.com to check out all the show notes as well as many more resources and articles. Until next time, live with love, wisdom impassion